This had me giggling half the evening…..Thanks Kate!

wax is not your friend!
 
 
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors,
Nair
And now…the wax.
 
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind ?for
the next
few hours:
“Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.”
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
 
It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of
hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get
warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
wherever else)
and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it
be? I
mean,
I’m not a genius, but I ?am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out.
 
(YA THINK!?!)
 
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks> >>in
so I
get
out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,”
yeah…right!)
 
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire.
 
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right
side of my
bikini line, covering the right half
of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching
down to
the
inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply
and
brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
 
I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half
the strip
CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! ?Everything is swirly and
spotted. ?I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…Do I hear
crashing
drums???
 
Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.
 
I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the
glory that is my triumph over
body hair. I hold up the strip!
There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
 
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.
I am touching wax.
 
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still
propped up
on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot
down.
 
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
to do and think to myself “Please
don’t let me get the urge to
poop.
My head may pop off!”
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
 
I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the
wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
 
I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
tub…in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
 
So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of
the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!
 
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone
put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation
starter –
“So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!”
There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for
removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly
where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?”
 
She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the
rundown
and she suggests I
call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
 
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off
with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies
covered
in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
 
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I’m
pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this
event.
 
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace….
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose
at this point? I rub some on and OH
MY
GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.
It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. IT WORKS!! It works!!
 
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
 
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief
and despair….
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
 
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now.
Nothing hurts. ?I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
 
Next week I’m going to try hair color……
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